Monday, September 19, 2016

new blog

blogging and that jazz over at my photography site from now on -- link here! 

Thursday, July 28, 2016

once more

it’s been a little while over here. this will also be the last post on ismikendra or imagine or magnificent obsession or whatever other names this blog undertook that i forgot. you know, me and my indecisiveness and constant reaching for change. 

that’s what life has been, lately: change. a whole bucket load of it. honestly, my whole life feels like persistent change. i guess i could sulk about it — but it’s also a beautiful, wonderful thing to have the privilege of experiencing a lot of life in 19 years. i either feel like a scared three year old or i feel like i’ve lived so much, moved so much, met so many diverse people, that i should be 30. 

sometimes i feel like in this whole striving to be someone, or to make art, or to gain purpose that i sort of lost who i am. maybe it’s the fact that i have to think about business taxes or the over 6 thousand images i need to sort through that people are waiting to receive from me. i’ve spent a lot of time stressing over calls; a lot of late nights editing. i don’t want to let the joy of photography fall through my fingertips.

i think sometimes i forget to be free-spirited. maybe i got more of a bitter taste of the world and grew up a bit, but i don’t want to have the world hanging over my shoulders all the time. i’m constantly trying to take the weight of it on myself. i don’t know why i do that — why it’s always my fault; my job to fix everything. i know it’s not, but the temptation to believe so always hangs over me like a threatening thundercloud. 

maybe i’ve forgotten to trust or maybe i just need to trust the Lord some more. he has taken such good care of me; there is comfort found in his embrace and yet i still chase after the wind. i chase after my dreams, my plans, and forget to wildly and recklessly chase after him. i mean i GET to chase the creator of this broken but still beautiful earth. we’ve made a hell of a mess down here but he promises to make beauty from it. 

i guess that’s all i’ll post over here and i will try and not just post weddings over on my new blog. i promise. chicago pics are coming soon over there. 



(one last time — cause I’m known as kendra lynne everywhere else now) 

Monday, April 11, 2016

when you're tired of loving

If you haven't noticed, I've been kinda stuck on the word love lately. what it means, what it does and how on earth to do it.

I do know one thing: I get tired of loving. Tired of loving the picky client, tired of loving the people who used to love me back and tired of loving with no boundaries. Sometimes love is doing something big and bold like saving someone's life and sometimes it's just sending a text to a girl from church who you know had a rough day.

I do know another thing: I am a wreck. On my own, I'm probably one of the most unloving people you've ever met. I think things I shouldn't and then I say those things without thinking. I can be mean and sometimes I wish I could catch all my harsh words and shove them back into my mouth. But I can't.

The last thing I know: I really, really need Jesus. Some of you people probably think I'm a nice person and all. The secret is, I wouldn't be who I am without the Lord. I have this never ending goal of being to love people recklessly and endlessly. And I have to ask Jesus to help me fulfill that goal every single day.  When I don't . . . well, I fail and things get messy.

All I can do from here is look up and ask for help (fyi I am that kinda person who despises asking for help so that's hard too). Without Jesus's help I get nowhere. But with his help, I have the ability to practice real love. Real love that forgives; real love that puts up with the little annoyances of life; real love that never ends.

"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." -- C.S. Lewis 

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

my first love

photos from North Carolina trip in December

oh you 
more satisfying than them all
always with me and for who i am 
you will dwell in my heart forever
forever broken for you and for your people
with you i am free; with you i laugh 
with you i can be just who i am 
i am recklessly in love with all you are
the way you mold stories together
how you placed the mountains as they touch your skies 
all of it leaves me breathless from beauty 
you love earnestly and eternally, with real love
real love that accepts but challenges
real love that forgives and forgets
oh my love, could i just sit here with you 
letting you fill this battered heart 
you are merciful and true 
oh my love, just a taste of you fills me
for in you i can trust 
all the others will come and go 
pieces of my heart shattered, but you go and make it into new 
mend it into something more beautiful 
your love lets me learn to love more 
oh you, my forever love 

Sunday, March 6, 2016

letting love reign

It's hard. It's hard to let love live in you, ruling over all other desires. We want a lot besides love: material things, lust, fame, comfort . . . maybe we would rather just have someone love us instead of loving them.

We get love confused with a lot of things. And then, somehow, we forget to love at all. Or maybe we forget how to learn to love. Love doesn't come perfectly to imperfect people. It's something we learn, something we pray for.

A friend once told me that if you pour all you are, all your love into one thing or person it will always fail. I think I have to disagree. Because love gives all it is and never fails. Isn't that what Jesus did and still does?

Thing is, I'm a complete wreck. If I tried to love someone on my own with myself and only myself . . . well, you'd better run away quick. My love is flawed and incomplete mixed with selfishness and fear of distrust. I say things I don't mean and have a hard times saying the things I do mean.

I need Jesus. I need a higher love; the real kind of love. I need it everyday, because without that love, I mess up. Without that love I think my friend would be right. Heck, my love would run right out in a day if I tried to pour it into someone. But we have a love that runs red and a fountain that doesn't run dry, a Jesus kind of love. I've loved a lot: a lot of places, a lot of people. All that has been stripped from my hands and torn from my heart. I wouldn't be able to keep going everyday if I didn't have Jesus. I'd have a really hard heart, unable to love again.

"Tis better to have loved and to have lost then to have never loved at all." Alfred Lord Tennyson 

With the Jesus kind of love, can we ever lose?

Sunday, February 21, 2016

letter to the healer

hurt on their faces, hurt flickering in their eyes
hurt that shoots from one heart to another
and shatters every bit of a soul
who will they go to?
to whom will I run?
to you, you with arms wide and the biggest heart of all
you who knows love is a choice and gave that to me
but still gave up what you loved most to give us another chance
a piece of hope
a scrawny baby in a manger, because no one wanted what you loved most

home in this place will never last long
only long enough to catch a breath and have it all shattered again
family and friends will leave
what hurts more: when they have no choice and they pass away, or when they choose to leave me?
i may never know
feelings will come and go
thoughts will be thought upon over and over, but still falter
people will fight, slaughter, rape, steal and lie to people just like them
and hurt will press on
so i press into you

because only you heal
only you can take a country that is ripped in half
or a heart that is broken into shatters
then make it beautiful
beauty out of a breakup, beauty out of scars
beauty out of loneliness, beauty out of rejection
beauty out of throbbing pain, beauty out of suicide

a lack of a mother's love or someone to hold
gives you all the more power to love her
makes your arms wrap tighter around me
thank you for not hurting me
for being my constant, my hope
for no matter where i go you will always be my home
you will never stop loving and you will never give up
oh you are more beautiful than all this beauty you create
i'm falling into your touch, into your healing
falling more in love with you every day

Thursday, February 4, 2016

nineteen and a pixiecut

I'm nineteen today and I cut off all my hair two days ago. I think people assume either something tragic happened or I have some new resolution that made me cut my hair. I would include a photo but I can't seem to be able to upload a smaller photo of it and I don't think anyone wants to see a huge photo of my face filling up the whole blog (it might be scary). So here's a photo of my friend Natalie when it snowed and everything was pretty.

I decided to go to downtown Nashville today. There's something wonderful about cities (especially when they have good coffee and good country music). After getting up early and touring the Johnny Cash museum, I've now been writing in a coffeeshop for a few hours. Oh you know . . . drinking a latte, ignoring my phone and thinking about the meaning of life -- typical Kendra style. 

But I was studying in Romans and seeing how short, how fleeting our lives are. They must be meant for something more. I have doubts about who I am and what I do; I beat down on myself. It's selfish. A person who believes that they are weak and can never do anything worthwhile is not someone who is going to be good at what they do. They aren't someone who is going to love people recklessly. Instead of beating down and being hard on ourselves, let's realize that yes, we are weak but we have a strong Savior. His saving keeps us from being fragile and gives us courage. Courage to love, courage to start over, courage to try again, courage to hope in something big. 

What am I afraid of? I have one life; you have one life. Let's live it with courage. 

Friday, January 15, 2016

eight months later

Guess who's been away for awhile? You may or may not have noticed, but it's been over eight months since I posted anything over here.

Lots of things happened in 2015. Lots of good things, lots of hard things. It was definitely a year of growth. And sometimes life is challenging enough to make it from day to day and you don't want to tell about it in words. I think I probably cried most in 2015 than I did any other year, but there was also much laughter. Through it all, I got stronger and through it all, He is good.

I quit my coffee making job at Harvest and went to go help a camp in New York start a coffee shop. Their coffee shop plan didn't go as expected and I ended up working in housekeeping. I learned a lot about waiting on the Lord; simply sitting in silence. I shot some of my first weddings in 2015. The people I got to work with were wonderful. I met Traci and Matt, who've become some of my best friends. I started dating Johnathan, the guy who was always there for me, wrote songs and read his Bible in the corner of Harvest every day after school. Then came over to talk about guitars with me because apparently he liked me. I certainly don't deserve a guy like him. I've watched and photographed those three (Matt, Traci, John) making great music and maybe will get to be apart of it soon. My family moved away and I moved away from my Shelbyville town and into this Louisville city. (Which I actually love.) I got to spend more time with Hannah, in person this time. Right now I get to chase my photography dream (still working away at Kendra Lynne Photography and enrolled in NYIP's wedding photo course) and work odd jobs here and there. That's just bits of what's happened.

Life is full of twists and pulls; of scary leaps of faith and long nights of waiting. I'm learning to breathe more and laugh harder, to stop thinking about everything and live this one life we are given.

photos from a recent trip to Knoxville. it was cold and dreary but laughs with old friends made it better.