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Saturday, March 14, 2015

 Sometimes I don't know where to start and other times I wonder how it all began. Right now I'm wondering how I got so off track, how I messed up so much. Not like being mad at myself for messing up helps and yet I still do it anyway.

I never want to bother anyone else or let them worry about me and I would certainly never, ever want to hurt them. And yet there comes a point where I'm fine (even though I know I'm not) and I can play the whole "I'm fine" game, then all of a sudden everything cascades and explodes and I can't keep it in anymore. I guess it would be better to just let feelings out slowly, but they either don't come or they come all at once. (I'm probably just making things seem ten times more dramatic than they really are.)

But the thing is lately I haven't really been okay and I haven't wanted to even realize that myself. Now here I am posting it on the internet for the world to see, but maybe it'll help someone else to know they're not alone. I've been thinking about a lot of things going on and probably thinking too much, not that thinking in itself is bad.

I haven't been okay and I haven't been okay because I haven't wanted to trust God or trust him with everything. Ya know, he's still there and I still know that, but I've been holding back. I'm afraid. I'm scared. I'm freaked out. I don't really know why . . . I guess because maybe things are changing and I hate change yet love it at the same time. Change hurts and makes my heart ache while flipping everything upside-down. I've been through it before, again and again. I should be used to it; I'm not.

I need to run back to Jesus, fully with arms open even if my heart is hollow and even if I feel worthless. I need to stop trying to make everything better myself and let him make it better. I need to seek him, seek him with every part of my soul and I haven't. And I feel desperately empty, but I know who makes me full.

"Then you will seek Me, inquire for, and require Me [as a vital necessity] and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." JEREMIAH 29:13



4 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. You know I love you and you know that's been going through my head 24/7.

      Delete
  2. We all wonder too.
    Brownie points for saying it out-loud.
    It's gonna be okay, girlie. :)

    ReplyDelete

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