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Friday, November 14, 2014

never ashamed



Sometimes I don't see how bad something has become until it's become really bad. Lately I've been doing a lot (or trying really hard to) and it's left me exhausted. I can't keep it up, I can't keep trying. If I have a goal or a project I'm working on, I thrive on the thought of getting that done or doing it right.  And if I can't, I feel like I've failed then it gets worse; I feel like I am a failure.

But the thing is, I'm not. When I feel like I've failed and when I feel like I can't do it all, I need to remember that I can't do it all. I'm not perfect and I'm not going to be. I know other people aren't perfect. Then why do I have these high expectations of perfection for myself, so that when I fail to meet those expectations I end up failing deeper and deeper into discouragement? Why?

I've been trying too hard and trusting too little. Instead of looking to Him, Jesus, as the one who has saved me, I've been trying to save myself. It's stupid and pointless. I've already been saved, I've already been given life, I am already worth it. I don't have to do things to make myself worthy enough. I am worth it, because of Him.

It's like I'm climbing up a steep, icy cliff. I keep reaching for the next place to grab onto and the cliff just becomes higher. Then I want to look back -- I want to look back on all the things I've messed up on in the past, all my failures, all my dirtiness. I tell myself how awful and worthless I am. I'm ashamed. Then I keep trying to climb, because maybe if I can reach to a high enough place, I will become worthy and I will have accomplished something. The whole time I'm missing that instead of looking to myself for my worth, I should be looking to Him. I shouldn't be looking at myself at all.

When I'm so focused and caught up in myself, I'm going to miss my purpose. My purpose isn't to be a perfect person and never make mistakes (if that was my purpose, I would've failed that one a long time ago). My purpose is to keep pushing, with my eyes on Him, even when it gets rough and even when I feel like I can't keep going. When I can't keep going, I cling to Jesus. My purpose is simply this: to love Him and to love the people He's made. That's it.

"Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed." PSALM 34:5

4 comments:

  1. It's so hard. Before I became a Christian, and even now, I was the type of person who always had a plan and knew the perfect way to execute that plan into perfection. If things didn't work I would cry and throw a tantrum and reluctantly start over, if not give up.

    Jesus taught me though that I don't have to keep making plans. That His plan is the most perfect plan ever and even though I will fail Him each and every day, His love and His grace continues to forgive me and wipe my slate clean so I can never REALLY fail. His sacrifice made sure of that. What an awesome thing.

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    1. His sacrifice is an awesome thing. :) thank you for your comment, it made my morning!

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