Friday, November 14, 2014

never ashamed

Sometimes I don't see how bad something has become until it's become really bad. Lately I've been doing a lot (or trying really hard to) and it's left me exhausted. I can't keep it up, I can't keep trying. If I have a goal or a project I'm working on, I thrive on the thought of getting that done or doing it right.  And if I can't, I feel like I've failed then it gets worse; I feel like I am a failure.

But the thing is, I'm not. When I feel like I've failed and when I feel like I can't do it all, I need to remember that I can't do it all. I'm not perfect and I'm not going to be. I know other people aren't perfect. Then why do I have these high expectations of perfection for myself, so that when I fail to meet those expectations I end up failing deeper and deeper into discouragement? Why?

I've been trying too hard and trusting too little. Instead of looking to Him, Jesus, as the one who has saved me, I've been trying to save myself. It's stupid and pointless. I've already been saved, I've already been given life, I am already worth it. I don't have to do things to make myself worthy enough. I am worth it, because of Him.

It's like I'm climbing up a steep, icy cliff. I keep reaching for the next place to grab onto and the cliff just becomes higher. Then I want to look back -- I want to look back on all the things I've messed up on in the past, all my failures, all my dirtiness. I tell myself how awful and worthless I am. I'm ashamed. Then I keep trying to climb, because maybe if I can reach to a high enough place, I will become worthy and I will have accomplished something. The whole time I'm missing that instead of looking to myself for my worth, I should be looking to Him. I shouldn't be looking at myself at all.

When I'm so focused and caught up in myself, I'm going to miss my purpose. My purpose isn't to be a perfect person and never make mistakes (if that was my purpose, I would've failed that one a long time ago). My purpose is to keep pushing, with my eyes on Him, even when it gets rough and even when I feel like I can't keep going. When I can't keep going, I cling to Jesus. My purpose is simply this: to love Him and to love the people He's made. That's it.

"Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed." PSALM 34:5

Monday, November 10, 2014

october favorites

(yes, I know we're well into November, but this is how I roll)

reading - I finished the Lord of the Rings trilogy while I was on vacation, which was something I'd been meaning to do forever and hadn't found the time for. I finished a curriculum that had a bunch of good classics (or just good solid books in general). The last one I read was Alas, Babylon, which I thought I would hate, but it was prob one of my favorites from the whole year. I also read/skimmed through a bunch of plot structure books to prepare for National Novel Writing Month (which is now, yikes).

watching - I read more, so I didn't watch a ton of movies, but I did watch Return of the King after reading the book. It was long, but good. That's pretty much all of the movie watching I did, but I've been liking random vlog channels on youtube. For some reason I find other people's night or morning routines entertaining . . . no clue why, I'm weird.

listening - I went through a huge country phase and so Tim McGraw was playing a lot. (I think I listened to "Highway Don't Care" every single day.) The last week of October we were in Florida and I always end up listening to Owl City's more upbeat songs then. They just fit. Colbie Caillat's "Try" was on repeat a lot, I needed to hear that more.

wearing - I really like wearing short skirts or dresses with leggings. It's super comfortable and jeans can be so uncomfortable sometimes. The best thing is when you find that the skirt has pockets. When I was on vacation I was wearing t-shirts and shorts everyday. good stuff.

eating - So I've been loving (not that I ever haven't) the new fall menu where I work. We have this chicken curry salad, grilled sandwiches, and pumpkin chili. Eggs have been on the menu a lot at our house -- all the chickens starting laying at the same time so it seems like we eat eggs every meal.

drinking - Black coffee was the thing for me in October. And iced green tea.

This was kinda a last minute thing, but I'm planning on making next month's better. I've been writing a lot for National Novel Writing Month so yeah, this was kinda rushed.

What have you all been loving this October? any favorite random things?

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

the beach

Whoops. I haven't posted in too long. again. I went to the beach for vacation about a week ago (it seemed like forever ago, but it was amazing). Now I've been working, writing, and studying and I guess there's other stuff that seems to have consumed my life too. 

Here's a bunch of pictures from our vacation week and you're probably going to see more around here, sometime.