Wednesday, October 1, 2014


You're a failure, all you do is mess up. Don't even try, it'll never work.

These words are choked down my throat and pushed down, deep. They stick like glue with me, echoing in my head. At first all I can hear is a whisper, until the words get louder and I hear them remorselessly and continuously screaming, filling every part of me.

The worst is you're a failure and you'll always be a failure. Once the words are in, they're too stuck inside to leave.

I don't really know why I allow these thoughts in and by the time I've realized they need to leave, I'm too far deep to have any power over them.

"From the ends of the earth I call to You, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to a rock that is higher than I." psalms 61:2 esv

Sometimes the truth comes rushing at you, hitting you hard and flat on your face, in a good way. But sometimes the truth is almost silent and seeps in, slowly yet surely. You didn't really see it coming either way and you didn't realize how close it was, but so out of reach at the same time.

I need truth. I don't need more lies. I need truth and I need it everyday. I need to be reminded that I am weak, yes, and I do mess up. I'm a complete wreck!

But He's here, all the while and I'm all caught up in myself and the lies and the fear. He's here and He was here all along. He's here and He takes my mess, my disgustingly dirty self, and turns it in to beauty. I don't know how, but He shines most when I realize that yes, I'm weak, but I have Him and He's my strength. When I am at my weakest, that's when I have a choice. I have a choice to wallow in lies and in selfishness and I have a choice to turn my eyes up and admit that I'm weak, admit that I really, really desperately need Him every hour.

I don't know why I keep forgetting the truth, I don't know why lies hurt, tear, and rip apart so much, but I do know that He's here and there's messiness, but He's strong, He's going to make it good.

"But He said to me, 'My grace is enough for you; for my strength and power are made perfect in your weakness." second corinthians 12:9 amp (shortened) 

1 comment:

thanks for sharing your thoughts -- comments make my day!