Monday, April 21, 2014

just look

I'm sitting on the floor by my bed with a pile of tissues next to me. I keep going into fits of coughing and my head throbs. Colds are no fun. All I feel like doing is crawling into bed and ignoring the pile of studying besides me. Besides, what's the point of life, anyway?

There are some days where I don't see Jesus. I don't see Him working around me, I don't see Him working in me, heck, I can't even feel Him. But wait -- I am even looking? Am I looking, like the kind of "seeking with all my heart" looking?

The other day I was sitting in our backyard, barefooted and tired from the day. I closed my eyes and I heard a bird sing. Most of the time I just like hearing birds, but as I listened to the bird sing that day, my heart filled up and I would've flown up in the tree with that bird, if I could. I forgot I was tired and peace swept over me. But two minutes later my mind was occupied with a million other things. They were worthless thoughts, thoughts of how I'd messed up that day and worry-thoughts for the days to come.

I caught myself worrying and so I tried to bring myself back to listening to the bird. But somehow, this time the bird's song didn't seem so beautiful. And then I started thinking. I started looking and I saw the bird sitting on a limb above me. His beak opened and shut, then quivered as he sang. I couldn't ever make such a beautiful sound. Here was this bird, making a loud and yet captivating song -- and he was smaller than my hand. His lungs had to be smaller than my big thumb. And this creature came from an egg, an egg so fragile that one tiny movement could crush it.

Sometimes I just have to think. Sometimes I just have to look.

I've heard the story of Jesus hundreds of times. I know He died, was buried, and rose on the third day. But so often I forget to ponder. I don't take the time to look.

I so often forget the pain that Jesus went through. Not just the physical, human kind of pain -- but the emotional. While Jesus was up there, bleeding on the cross, His Father left Him. God couldn't even look or be with His own son.

It all makes my head spin. How many times in the Bible did God say He wouldn't leave us, forsake us, or give up on us? Countless times. God has never left my side, even when I don't see Him, even when I deliberately turn the other way. And yet God left His son for a moment so He could give us the chance to have life abundant. What a gift - a gift I sure didn't deserve.

Sometimes we just have to look.


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