Wednesday, August 28, 2013

disgustingly dirty

You'd think that the longer I've been a Christian the more I'd feel proud of myself for becoming more like Jesus. Yeah right (first off, being proud is sin, remember Kendra?). Everyday I find out more and more how disgustingly dirty I am. Unless I'm having a day where I'm so stuck up in pridefulness that I think I'm perfect. Ugh. 

Jesus pointed out earlier this week how much I care about what people think. And how much that needs to stop. I care about other people and most of the time people say I'm kind. So I'm not the sort of person who doesn't care about others. But I'm seeing how twisted and ugly and horrible I've been. While other people think I'm sweet and gentle for being a servant, I'm not fully doing it for them. I'm being sweet and gentle on the outside just so people will like me more. Those words make me cringe. Even part of me is writing this post so when people are done reading it they'll say, "Wow, Kendra is so brave and humble to post something like this." 

So there, the truth is out. I want to live free. That doesn't mean I don't care about others or what they think, but it means that I don't care what others think of ME. I want to love others, in the hard and the easy, in the good and the bad. And not just so that they'll love me back. I want to love with His love -- not my corrupt way of loving. 

"For I don't understand my own actions. I don't do what I want, and do what I hate! . . . For I know nothing good dwells in me, that is, my flesh. I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out . . . For I delight in the law of God in my inner being. But I see in my members another law waging agains the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin. What a wretched man I am! Who will deliver me? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"  from Romans 7


  1. Colossians 3:23 ~ "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men."

    Proverbs 16:2 ~ "All of a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord."

    Psalm 139:23-24 ~ "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

  2. Such a good sentiment! I know how you feel! And that last line sort of puts it perfectly - 'I want to love with His love - not my corrupt way of loving.' well summed up! :)


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