I struggle with doubt. This past week has been extra hard. I ask myself over and over if there really is a God. I mean, I can't see him, can I? Do I want to spend my life as a lie? I could be doing other things, things that are enjoyable instead of wasting my time looking like an idiot and trying to follow a fake God? We are always discovering new things as humans. What if we just haven't found out how the earth was made, what if we just haven't found our life's purpose yet? Even if there is a God, would I want to give up everything for him? I mean come on, all these Christians saying God is love God is love. Heck, I've read the Bible. Surely God isn't love. He wiped out the whole earth with a flood and drowned them all. He ordered his so called chosen to kill others, even babies. Jesus says he came to bring war, not peace. What kind of love is that?
I don't have all the answers. I'm not very experienced. But I found out, today, when I walked into church and the worship music started playing and tears started springing in my eyes, that God is real. Very much so. How I be so blind? So stupid? This past year has been incredible. I have found my purpose. My love. Jesus. I was looking through some pictures today and I just had to step back and say wow. I've seen God work in my life, in those around me. I'm either crazy, a really good liar, or my God is there.
Sure, I'm going to need to believe. And have faith. And trust. Even the atheists do that. Everyone has to believe in something. An atheist has to believe there's no God. After all, as Reepicheep (true Chronicles of Narnia fan right here, guys) always says, "We have nothing, if not belief."
I want to fall deeper in love with my savior and to thank him daily for loving someone as disgusting as me. He is God. I am woman. My thoughts are tiny, so stupid, compared to his. "Nothing in this life will ever matter unless it's about loving God and the people he's made." -francis chan
And really, it's gonna take a lotta faith. A lotta pushing forward. But in the end, when I've finished this race, it's going to be worth it. That's what I want to live. A life that's not perfect, but worth it.
ps: go out and look at the sky and the stars sometime. it's kinda hard to think there's not a God then.
pps: here's some pics of our first snow.