Tuesday, November 27, 2012

in the middle of my little mess

Sometimes I feel like screaming and stomping and throwing things across the room. But that doesn't work if you have a sore throat. And of course, it never goes well if you're the oldest of eight kids.

Today my mom was sick. I was left in charge. My sister got into my stuff, as always. It was raining. I'm wayyy behind on my novel. I haven't even started on my essay for co-op and my homework for advanced speaking. It's due tomorrow. Another stack of school lies on my bookshelf -- untouched. I have three photography shoots to edit and have ready by Sunday. I can't remember the last time I went for a run. Or picked up my guitar. I haven't done anything creative with my camera. I have to have surgery on my lip next Tuesday. Studying for a driver's permit looks like a lot of work and let's not mention that driving itself seems a little scary. And to top if off, I feel sick too now.

I'm such a strange person. Most of the time I'm giddy and filled with joy. Then every once and awhile I'll have a day where things seem to all pile up and the pile gets bigger and bigger. I end of exploding in anger or walking around the house with a blank look on my face. Lifeless. Unaware of what Christ has done for me -- or I should say, I'm aware but not willing to meditate on his love.

Reminds me of a song by Steven Curtis Chapman, called see the glory. I just need to smack myself on the head and tell myself, "hey, you're gonna mess up -- but it's ok. because somebody has already forgiven you for all that." And I need to pick up my cross, put a smile on, and realize how totally awesome my God is.

-- kendra

ps: i'm going to go to the coffee shop with my purple mac and notebook crammed with ideas in my scrawly handwriting. even if i don't like coffee. it smells good. and coffee shops are cool.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

it's thanksgiving but i should always be thankful.

Being thankful is something I've finally got in the habit of doing. As my daddy says: gratefulness is realizing the truths in your life.

I guess what I'm most thankful for this year is Jesus. And what he's done in my life. It sounds cheesy, but I look back on last year and wonder how on earth I'm so different now. I'm authentic, compassionate, and joyful -- only because of Christ. Believe me, I still have a long, long way to go but he's changing me everyday and I can't think of a more beautiful life to live. I've now found life and true love. I couldn't ask for anything else to be more thankful for this year.

So with that being said, here all the rest of the things I'm thankful for. (ok. it's not them all. that would take forever.)

our new house // my canon // hot chocolate // long runs // a healthy body // my church with all the people who i've grown to love // a dirty fifteen passenger van that sucks up gas, but works // warm clothes // my siblings who are growing up so fast // my grandparents // late night talks with Jesus // trees to climb // frisbee to play with friends // my purple mac that i can write novels on // books i can learn from // my crazy awesome friends // cute socks // my guitar // yummy thanksgiving dinners

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

the crazy month of November

I can't believe thanksgiving is almost here. That there's less than five weeks until Christmas. 2012 is almost over with!

I've been busy reading, doing school, babysitting, and just trying to keep up with life in general. One good thing is I'm done with geometry - I talked to my mom and we came to the conclusion that it's probably not going to help me much on the mission field. Or with photography. So that pretty much made my day, or the rest of the school year if you think about it. I've been digging deeper in history and  biology and the time I would've been using in geometry gives me extra time to get in the Word and do other things that are more productive. (like clean rental houses and borrow camera lenses and stuff my brain with books about missionaries)

But seriously. Even though I'm only fifteen (SIXTEEN IN LIKE TWO MONTHS!) I'm feeling more and more like an adult. I may get the chance to go back overseas in the next six months - by myself. More on that later. I'm a woman. And it's kinda scary, having everything thrust on your shoulders, but at least I'm used to it with being the oldest of eight. Trust me, sometimes I already feel like a mom to five or six kids. Like I said -- it's scary, but I wouldn't want it any other way. There are times when I just want to forget everything and be an innocent kid again. But I can't. Not now that I know what's really going on in our world, with so much suffering and pain.

Annndd did you guys know it's National Novel Writing Month? Yes, I've been writing like a nerd all month. One reason why I haven't posted in sixty five million years. I'm right on track with my word count, and I'm staying up all night today writing another five thousand words as to not get behind. My story is seriously a crazy story with a crazy plot. (if you really want to know all the details comment). But I like my story. It's all my idea and it's a different novel unlike any book I've ever read -- but like they say, write the book you'd want to read. This would probably be my favorite book if someone else had written it. Now I just have to push through and finish the thing.

Now I have to go and work on that school, before I'm off to babysit some cute kiddos at noon. I'll do my best to post again this week.

- ken

ps: do you know what else November is? No shaving month. And yes of course I'm doing it, my sisters and Mother think I'm normally a gross person. so it's not a big deal for me. (seriously people shaving takes wayyy too long.)

pps: my lotsa pictures and long posts make up for my lack of updating the blog!

my youthgroup leader is so cool. (his kid is too). random guys in the background make this a little funny.

my church is cool too. our tiny town has a festival of the lights celebration and we light the huge Christmas tree in the middle of the town and all the little shops put up their lights. everybody comes out of their houses and hangs out. and we set up a booth too and gave out glowsticks and tshirts.

I get to babysit these girls and they're pretty cute too.

Mr. Carson is cool. he helps me watch kids and is a great role model annnddd likes piggyback rides from me. (the picture lost all it's quality for some reason though ...) and yes he did command me not to put any pictures of him on facebook but my blog isn't facebook right?!

a bunch of random people walking around when we had our Christmas lights festival.

three of my best friends. if you don't know them, you're missing out.

the only crafty thing that is in my room. but I really like my pictures anyway.

Kendra on her purple mac with a big shirt on and skinny jeans writing about a girl named Neptune from a planet called Zanyth who goes to Earth and it's world war three. (that was just a little bit of my story. now do you see how confusing it is?)

oh and pictures with the lens I rented are coming soon. (rented the 85mm)

this is a really really long post. and I really need to go finish my school. now you know how much of a random person I am.

Friday, November 9, 2012


Sometimes I wonder why healing has to hurt so bad. Why God doesn't just send down a bit of power and make everything all perfect again. Why the pain of this world doesn't just stop. 

Why do children go hungry? Why people lose jobs? Why people die? Why does God not bring the lost to Him? How could He send them to hell, to punish in fire forever? 

That last question haunts me, though I've almost gotten over it. A few months ago I asked it so much I had almost convinced myself I didn't believe in God. Sure, I wasn't stupid enough to believe we had evolved from monkeys, but if there was a God who sent innocent people to hell, people who had never had the chance to hear of Him, I didn't want to worship Him. 

What I have to do is get out of my limited view as a human. I am not God. I am a woman. I do not see everything like God does. Yes, we are made in the likeness of God, but I am not God. 

Everything God does is for His glory. He has the right. He is good, He is just, He is all powerful and unchangeable. He has always been and always will be. We can't fully understand that. He made us for His glory, made us for His pleasure. He also made us so that He could love us. He wanted what was the best for us. Which was loving Him. Because if you don't love God, life is meaningless. 

We chose to sin. Every human God has made for  His glory has sinned. And He has the right to punish us. In fact, it is only fair, only right, only a good God would send us all to hell to be with the one side we have chosen, Satan's side. 

God is good. He is loving. But He is also just. He loved us sinful, dirty humans so much He sent His son, Jesus, to die for us. God has His children who He loves, those He's chosen. I'll tell you what's not fair - that we as Christians even have the chance to be in this relationship with God. We should be destined to hell forever. 

Then I'm back to the questions. After looking at things from God's perspective though, they're very different questions. 

Why on earth did God pick me to be one of His children? Why?! I am nothing. I don't deserve to be this close to God! I don't deserve to be the bride of Jesus! I promise you, though some people think (and even myself sometimes) I'm a pretty good person, I am not. I am prideful, I question God, I am so selfish every single day of my life. Almost everything I do is for myself. I am constantly fighting against that, constantly going against my fleshly desires. Believe me, without God, I wouldn't be where I am now. 

And so really, in the end, I cry tears of happiness, tears of joy. I want to please my Savior, I want to please my God. Because of what He's done for me, what He's done that I certainly don't deserve. 

But still, why, why, oh why would He chose selfish me? I don't think I'll ever understand.

Monday, November 5, 2012

we went to the beach.

So now you know why I went and left the blog for so long. I was in Florida, enjoying the warmer weather and blue skies.

We went to the beach almost everyday, we kayaked down a spring, we watched movies, we bought fresh donuts, we watched the sunset, we stayed up late, we toured the shops, we passed out lots of Jesus tracks at halloween plus got lots of candy in return, we went crab hunting, we didn't have any busyness, we walked around at the fall festival, and we chased seagulls.

It was a good time.

ps: yes, it was cool the last few days. but we got the beach to ourselves. worth it.