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Friday, April 20, 2012

failure










We live in a world of competition. It seems like everyone is trying to be the best at this, the best at that, and if you're not good at something, then you might as well not amount to anything. Everyone seems like they have to be better. Even if no one rightly says it out loud, you're still thinking it.

And in the midst of it all, we're told to be ourselves and to be unique. I've heard the phrase "just be yourself" wayyy to many times in my fifteen years. Of course, everyone should be themselves, but if you could be fashionable, smart, or athletic, or good at something.

The problem is, sometimes I don't feel like I'm good at anything. I feel like a loser. Like everyone else has this purpose in life...and I'm just a little outsider, doing my little thing, but personally, nobody needs me. Nobody really wants me. Oh sure, they like me, but I just don't belong.

I'm awful at algebra. My mom just reminded me this morning that my younger sister has 5 lessons left in her math book. Me? I'm not even half way through my year course. I know I'll never be smart. And even the things I consider myself at least fairly good at, I'm not good at, really. My writing is filled with mistakes and flaws. And the only reason I'm good at photography is because I have a good camera. Which basically, means nothing.

I'm not even a great big sister. I want to be. But it's so hard. It's hard being in charge of everything. I feel like I have to be this super perfect person, who is a great role model. But I feel fake. I want to be real to my siblings. I want them to know it's okay to cry, it's okay to be imperfect. That it's good to laugh and love. I hate being the artificial person I am now to them.

And my friends. The few friends that I do have. I'm rarely around people my age, which I guess it's good because I need to learn to grow up. I think the last time I was with a girl my age was at least three weeks ago.

I hate writing this. It's making me feel sad. I think I just need to go for a run, which always helps. But I hate being fake. So that's why I'm posting this. To show that I'm not really that good of a person, and that I do feel bad at times.

I'm not even a good Christian. I mean, how can Jesus want me? I'm just a loser. A failure. I don't even feel like I'm on fire enough or good enough for Him. Duh, of course I'm not good enough for Him. But He loves me anyway. Which just blows my dumb little brain into pieces. I'm gonna go grab my Bible and journal, then head outside. The outdoors clears my mind.

so, goodbye, and thanks for listening to my pathetic ranting.



20 comments:

  1. What wonderful pictures. What a beautiful post, I have felt this way so many times. I feel like I'm not good enough or don't amount to anything. There are times where I feel so worthless and so insignificant, neglected and so alone. I feel like nobody understands me. I also don't have too many friends and most of my friends are older than me. It hurts to not feel accepted or loved. IT is neat to know though that God loves us no matter how much we think we are a failure or are not good enough. God chose us before we were even born. It is so neat to know that He will never leave us and will always love us no matter how dumb we act or how much we sin. Thank you so much for sharing this Kendra- It is nice to know that someone else feels the same way. I could really relate to this post! You are a wonderful person, and a great photographer!

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    1. Thank you so much, Britt. It really helps to know other people go through this stuff too, and that I'm not the only person on the earth that feels bad sometimes. :P

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  2. Oh my goodness Kendra!Don't you dare think about yourself like that! I used to! You're amazing, beautiful, a really good writer and SO clever. You're a role model to me, honestly! Whenever I'm in a real tough situation, I actually think "What would Kendra do?" And I'm always ranting on to my parents about how amazing you are and your relationship with Christ is! Honestly, you can ask my mom and dad. I have no real strong Christian friends and you are my only one so I always really look forward to talking to you! You're one of my best role models and I love you too bits like a sister (I apologise for being soppy) I used to think about myself like this and my mom said, "Jess! Jesus made you, do you think he would want you to think about yourself like this! You are made beautifully by an amazing God!"

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    1. Wow, Jess . . . I didn't really know I was a role model to you. Thanks for telling me. (btw, I think you're awesome! and I don't really think of you as that much younger than me...haha)

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  3. pathetic ranting? Awesome ranting! You are such an awesome super cool awesome cool person!

    And your pictures are way too awesome.

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    1. Thank you Rachel! you're awesome too, and such a faithful reader. ;)

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  4. Woah, this is so true. Seriously though, you're one of the best Christians I know! Really. And your photography is amazing. :)

    Hannah

    http://hannaherself.com/

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  5. don't you even think it. you're going through the same thing that I went through at your age. you will find so many things that you're good at in the next year or so -- right now, just. be. yourself. and by that, i mean don't be afraid to follow along with a trend if it's something you truly enjoy. and by the way, these photos are amazing, and you are awesome. the end.

    xo,
    jessica

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    1. awee, Jessie. (mind if I call you that?) thanks a million.

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  6. I think there's something going around this week. You're not alone in this "pathetic" rant, because it's been mine all along! I could name countless girls who are talented and strong Christians who feel the same way. Don't feel discouraged or left out. Once we start letting those thoughts creep into our minds, it's so easy to get self-focused and upset. Easier said then done.

    But you should have no worries. Because you are unique. You're bold. You are good at photography. I don't know very many people who love to run as much as you do!

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    1. I love how we always go through the same things...it's so neat, isn't it? And thank you, Flop.

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  7. Your photography is amazing! And not just because of your camera. I know plenty of people who have a nice camera but photography just really isn't their thing. You're *great* at writing! Especially coming up with great ideas! I can *never* think of ideas. You're sooo good at running. I die every time I try to run half a mile. You run 3 miles and have to keep going because you don't even *want* to stop! Your blog designing is absolutely fabulous!! and speaking of that, you've got to be very smart to figure out all those codes even if Algebra doesn't happen to be your strong point. Besides, who in the world has Algebra as their strong point?! You're verrryyyy creative and organized. You're good at cooking and taking care of kids. You're BYOO-TEE-FUL. You are one of the best Christians I know and I look up to you in that. You're a GREAT big sister and a totally awesome friend!! I love you soo much. <3

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    1. aweee, hans. I love you too! you're the best little sister/twin sis. haha.

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  8. Kendra, you are not a failure at all! I don't know how you could think such a thing... You're so good at writing, and photography, and you're a good big sister from what I can tell on your blog! I actually have the opposite problem of you though --- you said you have a hard time being in charge of everything -- I have a hard time NOT being in charge of everything sometimes.... :-p

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  9. Ah, another perfectionist being too hard on herself. I call it the "I should have been farther than this by now" complex. I've had it all my life, but I'm learning more and more as I grow (and grow older) that I really, truly cannot meet God's standard, and I'm not supposed to be able to meet it. Here's something my dad said at my wedding: "I have good news, and bad news. The bad news is, you can't do it. The good news is, you don't have to." He basically went on to say that God's whole purpose is to do it in us.

    And if you're like me, you will then fret about how you aren't *letting* Him do it in you, the way you should be. But you can't even do that. If you are dependent on your own grasp of God, then, girl, you are toast! But you're not! (Jn 10:28) We have a friend who, whenever his children complain, "why this?" or "why that?" he tells them, "Because God wants to form His Son in you." If you really "fit in" like all the people around you seem to fit in; if you were really a success, the way you want to be a success in your own eyes; if you could make yourself into the image *you* want, then there would be no opportunity for Christ to be formed in you. We are supposed to fall into the ground and die—die to the world, to ourselves, to our own rights—and we don't get to choose what we look like when we come out of the grave again!

    But you are, too, smart, even if Algebra is not your thing. And btw, I hated math and felt like a dunce at it until I got to college. Then I suddenly saw it as a challenge I had to master, a series of problems worth solving for the joy of the triumph, and then I loved it. It still wasn't easy, but I loved it.

    And yes, your writing needs some polishing in places, but that's nothing a little experience won't fix. I wrote at 15, too, and sometimes I look back on what I write and cringe and laugh b/c it was so cheesy, and sometimes I look at it and find something and say, "hey, there's really something there..." If you keep working at it, you may get there waaaaaay before me. :)

    I've "known" you for two days, but here's what I see: a bright, talented girl who strives for excellency in all things, and who succeeds at it most of the time. And, most importantly, who genuinely loves Jesus.

    Remember, "Only talented people fret about mediocrity."

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  10. Kendra, you are such an inspiration, even a role model, to me. Even if I *never* email you back.:)

    In Christ,
    Heidi

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  11. I just have to chuckle after reading this. I've been feeling the same way for a while. Goodness, just check out my instagram and you get a pretty good picture. Anyway, God's been using other people's confessions/testimonies to encourage me and show me that I'm not alone. And I think I need to do a confessions post myself. :P

    But through the ups and downs, just remember that you are never alone. :)

    blessings and love,
    Lauren Elaine

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  12. Hi,K
    I think I have the answers, and then I don't. I say one thing and do another. I compare myself to others and don't measure up to some impossible-to-meet standard. There is no such thing as getting it right. You can even say all the right things, and look like you do the right things to everyone else, but you will never get it right.
    There is only one way to get it right. Be genuine. I (personally) would rather spend the day with a genuine doubter than a fake believer.
    I do not believe that you are a loser, ever. But God does not more than me.
    If you believe that you are a loser, then what is the point of believing in Jesus at the same time?
    And. . .thank you for your honesty, humility and not being afraid to show us your doubts and shortcomings.
    Love

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thanks for sharing your thoughts -- comments make my day!