Friday, April 20, 2012
We live in a world of competition. It seems like everyone is trying to be the best at this, the best at that, and if you're not good at something, then you might as well not amount to anything. Everyone seems like they have to be better. Even if no one rightly says it out loud, you're still thinking it.
And in the midst of it all, we're told to be ourselves and to be unique. I've heard the phrase "just be yourself" wayyy to many times in my fifteen years. Of course, everyone should be themselves, but if you could be fashionable, smart, or athletic, or good at something.
The problem is, sometimes I don't feel like I'm good at anything. I feel like a loser. Like everyone else has this purpose in life...and I'm just a little outsider, doing my little thing, but personally, nobody needs me. Nobody really wants me. Oh sure, they like me, but I just don't belong.
I'm awful at algebra. My mom just reminded me this morning that my younger sister has 5 lessons left in her math book. Me? I'm not even half way through my year course. I know I'll never be smart. And even the things I consider myself at least fairly good at, I'm not good at, really. My writing is filled with mistakes and flaws. And the only reason I'm good at photography is because I have a good camera. Which basically, means nothing.
I'm not even a great big sister. I want to be. But it's so hard. It's hard being in charge of everything. I feel like I have to be this super perfect person, who is a great role model. But I feel fake. I want to be real to my siblings. I want them to know it's okay to cry, it's okay to be imperfect. That it's good to laugh and love. I hate being the artificial person I am now to them.
And my friends. The few friends that I do have. I'm rarely around people my age, which I guess it's good because I need to learn to grow up. I think the last time I was with a girl my age was at least three weeks ago.
I hate writing this. It's making me feel sad. I think I just need to go for a run, which always helps. But I hate being fake. So that's why I'm posting this. To show that I'm not really that good of a person, and that I do feel bad at times.
I'm not even a good Christian. I mean, how can Jesus want me? I'm just a loser. A failure. I don't even feel like I'm on fire enough or good enough for Him. Duh, of course I'm not good enough for Him. But He loves me anyway. Which just blows my dumb little brain into pieces. I'm gonna go grab my Bible and journal, then head outside. The outdoors clears my mind.
so, goodbye, and thanks for listening to my pathetic ranting.
Labels: serious stuff