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Thursday, March 26, 2015

leaving? no thank you.













I’m the kind of girl who likes to go places and see new things, but I’m also the kind of girl who gets attached and somehow carries a piece of every place inside her. It can be exhausting, having your heart in a hundred different places and now I’m sure Colorado has an even bigger piece. Not sure if it’s all that practical (pshh, who cares about practicality anyway), but the mountains make something inside you come alive that you didn’t even know was there before. And for those of you who think Kentucky has mountains: no, we do not have mountains, we have hills. (Yes, they are beautiful bluegrass hills but they are not mountains.) Kentucky will still have the biggest part of me, though there are places that have almost as much of me and not even half the amount of time spent there. 

Okay, I need to stop talking about pieces of my heart and all the countless places its in before things get confusing. For now just look at how pretty everything is in Colorado. The sunsets here are the best, I swear. Tomorrow we leave (Kansas, bleehh) but I think I’m ready to come back to regular life. Maybe. 

If ya want, in the comment section below, name some places you’ve left your heart in. I’d love to hear! 


Sunday, March 22, 2015

road trip

(written two days ago) 

Took off on a two week road trip five days ago with some cool people (my brother Max and my grandparents). There’s so many wonderful things to see that I don’t know how to take it all in — it’s a good kind of thing. So far we’ve been to canyons, seen mountains bigger than I’ve ever seen before and I think I’m gonna end up leaving my heart in a million places. Also, I think my roaming heart is learning (slowly, but still learning) to trust and I haven’t been overthinking to the sleepless point. That’s good. 

Outside this window there are mountains and frost-clothed pine trees covering them. Fog hovers over the very tips of the mountains. It’s wonderful; that’s all I can say.

cue the random pictures. 









Saturday, March 14, 2015

 Sometimes I don't know where to start and other times I wonder how it all began. Right now I'm wondering how I got so off track, how I messed up so much. Not like being mad at myself for messing up helps and yet I still do it anyway.

I never want to bother anyone else or let them worry about me and I would certainly never, ever want to hurt them. And yet there comes a point where I'm fine (even though I know I'm not) and I can play the whole "I'm fine" game, then all of a sudden everything cascades and explodes and I can't keep it in anymore. I guess it would be better to just let feelings out slowly, but they either don't come or they come all at once. (I'm probably just making things seem ten times more dramatic than they really are.)

But the thing is lately I haven't really been okay and I haven't wanted to even realize that myself. Now here I am posting it on the internet for the world to see, but maybe it'll help someone else to know they're not alone. I've been thinking about a lot of things going on and probably thinking too much, not that thinking in itself is bad.

I haven't been okay and I haven't been okay because I haven't wanted to trust God or trust him with everything. Ya know, he's still there and I still know that, but I've been holding back. I'm afraid. I'm scared. I'm freaked out. I don't really know why . . . I guess because maybe things are changing and I hate change yet love it at the same time. Change hurts and makes my heart ache while flipping everything upside-down. I've been through it before, again and again. I should be used to it; I'm not.

I need to run back to Jesus, fully with arms open even if my heart is hollow and even if I feel worthless. I need to stop trying to make everything better myself and let him make it better. I need to seek him, seek him with every part of my soul and I haven't. And I feel desperately empty, but I know who makes me full.

"Then you will seek Me, inquire for, and require Me [as a vital necessity] and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." JEREMIAH 29:13