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Monday, April 11, 2016

when you're tired of loving




If you haven't noticed, I've been kinda stuck on the word love lately. what it means, what it does and how on earth to do it.

I do know one thing: I get tired of loving. Tired of loving the picky client, tired of loving the people who used to love me back and tired of loving with no boundaries. Sometimes love is doing something big and bold like saving someone's life and sometimes it's just sending a text to a girl from church who you know had a rough day.

I do know another thing: I am a wreck. On my own, I'm probably one of the most unloving people you've ever met. I think things I shouldn't and then I say those things without thinking. I can be mean and sometimes I wish I could catch all my harsh words and shove them back into my mouth. But I can't.

The last thing I know: I really, really need Jesus. Some of you people probably think I'm a nice person and all. The secret is, I wouldn't be who I am without the Lord. I have this never ending goal of being to love people recklessly and endlessly. And I have to ask Jesus to help me fulfill that goal every single day.  When I don't . . . well, I fail and things get messy.

All I can do from here is look up and ask for help (fyi I am that kinda person who despises asking for help so that's hard too). Without Jesus's help I get nowhere. But with his help, I have the ability to practice real love. Real love that forgives; real love that puts up with the little annoyances of life; real love that never ends.

"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." -- C.S. Lewis 

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

my first love








photos from North Carolina trip in December

oh you 
more satisfying than them all
always with me and for who i am 
you will dwell in my heart forever
forever broken for you and for your people
with you i am free; with you i laugh 
with you i can be just who i am 
i am recklessly in love with all you are
the way you mold stories together
how you placed the mountains as they touch your skies 
all of it leaves me breathless from beauty 
you love earnestly and eternally, with real love
real love that accepts but challenges
real love that forgives and forgets
oh my love, could i just sit here with you 
letting you fill this battered heart 
you are merciful and true 
oh my love, just a taste of you fills me
for in you i can trust 
all the others will come and go 
pieces of my heart shattered, but you go and make it into new 
mend it into something more beautiful 
your love lets me learn to love more 
oh you, my forever love 

Sunday, March 6, 2016

letting love reign


It's hard. It's hard to let love live in you, ruling over all other desires. We want a lot besides love: material things, lust, fame, comfort . . . maybe we would rather just have someone love us instead of loving them.

We get love confused with a lot of things. And then, somehow, we forget to love at all. Or maybe we forget how to learn to love. Love doesn't come perfectly to imperfect people. It's something we learn, something we pray for.

A friend once told me that if you pour all you are, all your love into one thing or person it will always fail. I think I have to disagree. Because love gives all it is and never fails. Isn't that what Jesus did and still does?

Thing is, I'm a complete wreck. If I tried to love someone on my own with myself and only myself . . . well, you'd better run away quick. My love is flawed and incomplete mixed with selfishness and fear of distrust. I say things I don't mean and have a hard times saying the things I do mean.

I need Jesus. I need a higher love; the real kind of love. I need it everyday, because without that love, I mess up. Without that love I think my friend would be right. Heck, my love would run right out in a day if I tried to pour it into someone. But we have a love that runs red and a fountain that doesn't run dry, a Jesus kind of love. I've loved a lot: a lot of places, a lot of people. All that has been stripped from my hands and torn from my heart. I wouldn't be able to keep going everyday if I didn't have Jesus. I'd have a really hard heart, unable to love again.

"Tis better to have loved and to have lost then to have never loved at all." Alfred Lord Tennyson 

With the Jesus kind of love, can we ever lose?