Saturday, October 11, 2014

oh this life

Well, I've learned one thing this week: life is never boring. Another thing I've learned is that I probably try to do too much at the same time, which is maybe why I get discouraged when I can't do it all. I'm still working on that whole beating up on myself thing. It'll take time. Hard stuff takes time to work on, but Jesus is the best healer. Really, He is.

So what's been keeping me so busy? First off, I'm still barista-ing (that's not a word. whatevs.) it away at Harvest Coffee & CafĂ©. I'm also studying and almost done with high school. I would be more excited, except for ACT testing and such looms over me like a dark thunderstorm cloud. It's intimidating. (Don't be so hard on yourself, Kendra, don't be so hard.) I've been training for a mini-marathon that I'm not even going to run. Okay, I'm gonna run it, but I'm not signing up for a race. Trying to use cash scarcely here, peeps. I've been staying up too late editing this novel that I kinda forgot about, because I'm a nerd. Other than that, I've been trying to spend time with my fam, keep up with photography stuff, teach myself guitar (what an epic fail . . .), have a social life, and maybe write a blog post every five years. I don't even know what happened, guys. 

Here's four pics I liked from the past few days. Ahem, I mean weeks. Or months. (I really do want to be more consistent with blogging and not just post deep serious things when I have the undying urge to write. really.) 

Wednesday, October 1, 2014


You're a failure, all you do is mess up. Don't even try, it'll never work.

These words are choked down my throat and pushed down, deep. They stick like glue with me, echoing in my head. At first all I can hear is a whisper, until the words get louder and I hear them remorselessly and continuously screaming, filling every part of me.

The worst is you're a failure and you'll always be a failure. Once the words are in, they're too stuck inside to leave.

I don't really know why I allow these thoughts in and by the time I've realized they need to leave, I'm too far deep to have any power over them.

"From the ends of the earth I call to You, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to a rock that is higher than I." psalms 61:2 esv

Sometimes the truth comes rushing at you, hitting you hard and flat on your face, in a good way. But sometimes the truth is almost silent and seeps in, slowly yet surely. You didn't really see it coming either way and you didn't realize how close it was, but so out of reach at the same time.

I need truth. I don't need more lies. I need truth and I need it everyday. I need to be reminded that I am weak, yes, and I do mess up. I'm a complete wreck!

But He's here, all the while and I'm all caught up in myself and the lies and the fear. He's here and He was here all along. He's here and He takes my mess, my disgustingly dirty self, and turns it in to beauty. I don't know how, but He shines most when I realize that yes, I'm weak, but I have Him and He's my strength. When I am at my weakest, that's when I have a choice. I have a choice to wallow in lies and in selfishness and I have a choice to turn my eyes up and admit that I'm weak, admit that I really, really desperately need Him every hour.

I don't know why I keep forgetting the truth, I don't know why lies hurt, tear, and rip apart so much, but I do know that He's here and there's messiness, but He's strong, He's going to make it good.

"But He said to me, 'My grace is enough for you; for my strength and power are made perfect in your weakness." second corinthians 12:9 amp (shortened) 

Saturday, September 27, 2014

hey you, the kid is back

I threw a bunch of really random pictures from my stay with Hannah in this post just because. We had loads of fun together. Here's a list of some of the things we did. 

  • we probably ate too much sugar
  • we may have had too many photoshoots, including a wedding one. Hannah was the photographer and I was the bride. (there's a pic below somewhere for your entertainment)
  • we may have not gotten enough sleep
  • we may have been pretty silly at times and joked around too much
  • we may have had serious, deep talks before we fell asleep at 3am. 
  • we may have had bursts of creativity at inconvenient times
  • I may or may have not been persistently teased about "getting married". 
  • Hannah may have had a "specialty" coffee drink from me, made with expired peppermint syrup.
  • we may have had dance parties. 
  • we may have driven Hannah's car everywhere with the top down, even in the rain. 
  • we probably didn't do all the things on our list of things to do. 

("on set" with Hannah Elizabeth Photography. oh yeah. )

(dolphins are cool.)

(Hannah being all smug.)

(Hannah being all cool.)

(Hannah being all cute.)

(the beautifully fake wedding party. but at least we're all awkwardly happy.)

(me looking creepier than usual)

(me photobombing one of Hannah's sessions. whoops.)

(btw taking pics of each other taking pics of each other is actually what photographers do.)

(my friends are so gorgeous, you should be jealous.)

(Elizabeth Bennet wearing flip-flops.)

(out-of-focus selfies are the best.)